My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
How to wake up a Beagle
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING