Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
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This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.