i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
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[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Taking phone security to the next level.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.