pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet