If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
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There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.