Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
If I ignore life will it go away?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
this is funnier than any friends episode
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Proctology is located in A55
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.