Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
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[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.