Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Come back with a warrant
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
the rocks need my help