I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
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Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
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I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
This guy gets it.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF