*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?