Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
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The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
and this one
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin