I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
You Might Also Like
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.