Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
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DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.