My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Not helping
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
How does one answer this?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil