I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
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Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.