“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.