[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
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Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”