Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
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How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
same energy
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.