Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
You Might Also Like
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
*cough*
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .