12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.