What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
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“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Snapes on a plane.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.