rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
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wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
IT’S-A ME,
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.