Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
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*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No