The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
You Might Also Like
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?