Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!