I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun