[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
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“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
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I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Dune (2021)
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.