Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
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me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I unironically love this joke.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?