SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
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HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes