“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
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When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
quarantine day 3
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”