me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
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Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
New menu item
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I have a type: disappointing
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir