At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
You Might Also Like
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I think about this a lot
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.