A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
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ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room