Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
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The days of good grammer has went
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.