My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
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HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*