Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
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You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler