New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.