Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
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[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.