I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
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If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
where the womens at?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.