as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
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My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?