Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
#FunnyLife Insects
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*