Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
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8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars