Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
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In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Great acting.. 😂
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.