Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom