ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
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I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime