Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
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Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.