The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
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People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit