him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
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Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
my sentiments exactly
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
when you are just born a rebel
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Morning my dudes.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]