My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
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If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed