Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive